Pixie
17th September 2007, 17:20
Facts about men (according to women)
1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.
5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.
6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.
7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
11. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist
12. If men got pregnant ....
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
14. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
15. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
16. How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."
17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 Stereo in it.
18. What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, Babe!"
19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
20. What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
22. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
23. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
24. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
25. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
29. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
30. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
31. How do you get a man to exercise?
Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
32. What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
E.T. phones home.
33. Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
34. What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted.
35. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
36. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know. It's never happened.
37. What's the difference between an intelligent man and U.F.O.?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
38. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
39. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
40. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
41. Why doesn't a man ever screw the toothpaste cap back on?
Why put it back on when it is just going to come off again tommorrow.
42. Why doesn't a man ever pick up his clean clothes off the floor?
Why put it back on a hanger when it is just going to be worn again sometime next week.
This way it is all readily accessible and he won't have to try to match them up again.
43. Why doesn't a man ever pick up his dirty clothes off the floor?
Why carry it ALL the way to the hamper when it will magically appear back in his closet clean anyway.
44. How does a man distinguish between the dirty clothes and the clean clothes on the floor?
Do they?
45. What is the best way to get a man to iron his own clothes?
Make the ironing board cover look like a racetrak, paint NASCAR logos on the iron
and install a computer chip that makes a VROOM VROOM sound when they move it.
46. Why can't the father ever cook a meal if the mother can't?
Why eat tonight when she is just going to cook tommorrow night, the kids and I can wait.
47. Why can't a man ever put the lid back down
Why put it down when he is just going to have to lift it back up again later.
48. Why can't a man ever replace the toilet paper roll when empty?
Why go to that much effort ... if you sit there long enough you will dry off anyway.
(That's why they have magazines in bathrooms)
49. Why can't fathers drop off or pick up the kids from school?
Because they know child welfare services would confiscate the children when they saw the interior of his car.
50. Why are men so meticulous when cutting the grass on the weekends,
sometimes taking two whole days to do it?
Because riding atop a power mower at 5mph with a cooler of beer
and as many breaks as you care to take is much easier than:
taking care of the kids (sometimes the neighbors' kids too)
cooking six meals
cleaning up after six meals
doing laundry
mending clothes
running errands
grocery shopping
visiting relatives
helping with school projects
cleaning the whole interior and exterior of the house
oh yeah ... and changing the toilet paper roll.
1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.
5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.
6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.
7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
11. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist
12. If men got pregnant ....
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
14. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
15. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
16. How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."
17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 Stereo in it.
18. What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, Babe!"
19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
20. What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
22. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
23. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
24. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
25. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
29. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
30. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
31. How do you get a man to exercise?
Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
32. What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
E.T. phones home.
33. Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
34. What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted.
35. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
36. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know. It's never happened.
37. What's the difference between an intelligent man and U.F.O.?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
38. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
39. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
40. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
41. Why doesn't a man ever screw the toothpaste cap back on?
Why put it back on when it is just going to come off again tommorrow.
42. Why doesn't a man ever pick up his clean clothes off the floor?
Why put it back on a hanger when it is just going to be worn again sometime next week.
This way it is all readily accessible and he won't have to try to match them up again.
43. Why doesn't a man ever pick up his dirty clothes off the floor?
Why carry it ALL the way to the hamper when it will magically appear back in his closet clean anyway.
44. How does a man distinguish between the dirty clothes and the clean clothes on the floor?
Do they?
45. What is the best way to get a man to iron his own clothes?
Make the ironing board cover look like a racetrak, paint NASCAR logos on the iron
and install a computer chip that makes a VROOM VROOM sound when they move it.
46. Why can't the father ever cook a meal if the mother can't?
Why eat tonight when she is just going to cook tommorrow night, the kids and I can wait.
47. Why can't a man ever put the lid back down
Why put it down when he is just going to have to lift it back up again later.
48. Why can't a man ever replace the toilet paper roll when empty?
Why go to that much effort ... if you sit there long enough you will dry off anyway.
(That's why they have magazines in bathrooms)
49. Why can't fathers drop off or pick up the kids from school?
Because they know child welfare services would confiscate the children when they saw the interior of his car.
50. Why are men so meticulous when cutting the grass on the weekends,
sometimes taking two whole days to do it?
Because riding atop a power mower at 5mph with a cooler of beer
and as many breaks as you care to take is much easier than:
taking care of the kids (sometimes the neighbors' kids too)
cooking six meals
cleaning up after six meals
doing laundry
mending clothes
running errands
grocery shopping
visiting relatives
helping with school projects
cleaning the whole interior and exterior of the house
oh yeah ... and changing the toilet paper roll.